My So Called Life

I have been trying to fight off something bad. I have been telling myself that the aches are not there, being tired is normal and not wanting to get out of bed is ok. Well I was wrong really WRONG! I got out of bed this morning,well sat up in bed and realized my day was not going to happen. I laid back down and put the pillow over my head. Jason came in and said are you going to get up. He knows this is a bad sign that it was 6:30 AM and I am not out of bed. This is not like me but sometimes your body takes over and says NO! So I texted my clerical at work and went back to bed.

I realized that I was not going to get up and get Logan ready for daycare. He has already been exposed to whatever it was that I am trying to fight off. I decided that I would keep him home with me. (OK I realize most of you are thinking WHY?) Well if I was going to lay around all day I might as well do it with my favorite person. Plus he would make me feel better or at least try!

So we laid in bed until 10:00 AM and watched cartoons. At which point I still didn't feel any better but it was nice to do it. I finally got out of bed about 4:00 pm and realized maybe I have been avoiding the fact that I was really sick all week. Going to work when I didn't well good and bame it hit me. I looked around and saw my house has been neglected because I don't feel good.

Tomorrow I will say goodbye to a very good friend of mine K. She moved here from out of state about a year ago. My office hired here without even meeting her. We did a teleconference with her and we were sold. Her family had bought land in a small town near Rolla. They wanted to move away from the fast paced crazy busy life style.

Little did I know that I would meet a really good friend. We worked in the same office for 8 months until I received my promotion. It is hard to share an office with someone and not get to know them. I helped her find things in the area like grocery stores, shopping, local feed stores, pediatrician and much much more. We would talk about our children, families and probably things she didn't want to know about me.

Long story short she will be staying at home with her 4 month old son. I completely am jealous of her at this point but also so happy for her. I hope we can do lunch every now and then.


I WILL MISS HER GREATLY!

I was going to post last night but instead I decided to try and get through my work email (Which is a task for me these days being short handed at work). I have a goal to get my email organized by the first of the year.

Last night I came home to my wonderful son and husband. Jason was working in his garage as normal. Logan wanted to stay out in the garage with daddy. Which completely breaks my heart that I am not cool enough to hang out with anymore but then I get excited to see Jason and Logan build there relationship. Instead of cleaning, cooking or doing laundry when I got home and had no child inside. I decided to take a bath and relax. As most of you know being a mom does not allow much time for yourself. So when the situation presents itself for 30 minutes alone. I usually will do something for me and let other things go. I know probably not a wise move.

I love to turn the music on, light candles and take a HOT bath. Although I spend most of my time thinking about what bills to pay next, who needs clean laundry, what still needs to be done at work and what's for dinner. I still get to close my eye's and rest for alittle while. Jason knows that every once in awhile dinner might be late but I need that 30 minutes of me time. I find myself thinking about how do I do it sometimes.



Daily Routine

5 AM Wake up

5:15 AM Shower

5:45 AM Kiss Jason goodbye

6:00 AM Start waking Logan up (This is a task in itself)

6:20 AM Potty time for Logan

6:30 AM Get Logan Dressed

6:45 AM Put Makeup on and get ready

7:00 AM Get out the DOOR (I am always late)

7:15 AM Drop Logan off at Daycare (They provide hot breakfast luckily)

7:40 AM Arrive at Work

Work all Day

4:30 pm Leave Work

5:00 PM Pick Logan up

5:30 pm Get home

5:45 pm Cook Dinner

6:30 pm Dinner Time

7:00 pm Family Time

8:00 pm Bath Time

8:30 pm Bed Time for Logan

9:00 pm Bed Time for ME

This is a normal Day for me but add in the grocery shopping, paying bill, cleaning house, visiting family and laundry somewhere. Then I start to think how do I do this day in and day out and one wonders why I have no time for anything else. I really try to devote one day a weekend to whatever Logan wants to do.

I have mixed emotions about working and not staying home with my son. My husband does not have benefits offered where he works but he makes decent money. I am responsible for providing health care for my family. I also think that we could not function on only one income. We work hard to provide the best life possible to our son. There is nothing wrong with sending your child to daycare. I know people have told me different but really I love where Logan goes. They provide a safe, fun and loving environment. Sometimes he is having so much fun he doesn't want to leave. Although I can say not every childcare provided is like mine. I am thankful that Logan will be able to attend the same program until 12 years old. They have a nice, friendly and clean facility. The programs are structure around learning and growing. Logan's teacher treats him like he is her own. So for now this is what works for my family and I am OK with that.

I have been sitting here listening to my husband and son tonight. I am cuddled up on the couch with a warm blanket and my computer. I love to hear Jason read to Logan at night. I love to hear the unconditional love in his voice. I even laugh at them when they think I am not listening. Jason said to Logan tonight I love you son and I heard Logan chuckle. His laugh is priceless and that no one can ever take away from me.

So I know I didn't not write much tonight but I wanted to leave you with a thought. Sometimes just sit back and listen!



NIGHTY NIGHTY

I have learned alot from my childhood by watching my son grow over the last 2 years. I have to admit that somethings from my childhood I should have never experienced as soon as I did. As I still struggle with the fact that my parents got divorced, my father was an avid drinker and my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer when I was a child. I can say I have always wanted more for my child. I think that good parent's always want more for their children then they had. I want Logan to have every opportunity to grow and learn.


During this tour down memory lane I have learned forgiveness but it has not been easy. I think that sometimes children have to grow up entirely to soon. Divorce forces children to realize the world is not always perfect. A father that drank a child's entire childhood missed out of all the memories that he should have exipierenced. A mother that battled cancer would prove to be an amazing miracle. A little girl that was forced to grow up entirely to soon would prove to be a wonderful wife and mother!

Today I am mad at the world! Because I just want to be and there is no other reason why. I know this might sound really weird but I am mad. I have not come to terms with why my nephew that was born almost 2 years ago is in heaven. It is ok for me to still be mad. I realized this along time ago. I am still dealing with the lose and the fact that he was a baby when he was took from our family. I really truly miss him and think about him daily. This month we would have been celebrating his second birthday. I would be going to a birthday party this weekend instead of putting flowers at his grave sight.


I pray to God that he helps me deal with my feeling. I ask him to help me understand but sometimes this might not be possible. I realize that everything happens for a reason. I realize that it was his time to go and there is nothing I could have done to prevent this horrible thing from happening . I look at my sister-in-law and think she is so strong. I can't imagine what waking up everyday must be like for her. She is a strong person and I admire her for this reason.

My nephew that will be turning 5 in December has been a saving grace for me. He was my strength when this terrible thing happened to our family. He told me my baby Shelby is with the angels now. There is no need to cry he loved us both. How does a 3 year old comprehend such a thing? He has been such a good trooper the last 2 years. Making me smile when I really wanted to cry. Helping his mom when she didn't want to get out of bed I am sure. He is such an amazing child. I hope that he remembers Shelby and never forgets that he has a little brother.


So today I will kiss my baby and be thankful for what I have because you never know what could happen. Be sure that you always take time for the ones you love because you never know when it might be the last Hello, Kiss goodnight or just a phone call to say I love you.

About a week ago now I was on facebook and realized that some of my friends have been blogging. I currently read about 4 blogs daily and then I found an entire new world to read everyday. I am not sure how I got started reading blogs, I guess it was about 3 years ago when a friend turned me onto a couple that she reads daily. I am guessing that is what happened. Whoever thought that someone rantings would be interesting to me. Sometimes it is just knowing that someone else is going through the same thing as you. Maybe they are having trouble potty training their son or their daughter started walking that day. It is the thought of not being the only person to feel defeated or sad because your baby is not a baby.



So today I would like to share with you what I heard driving into work this morning. I was listening to a local radio station. The topic was pet peeves that are simple but yet annoying. The guy on the radio stated that his wife uses the last toilet paper on the roll. She proceeds to take the new role and place it on the tub, sink or back of the toilet. I started to laugh because my husband does things like this all the time. Then I started thinking about my husband and what he would say about me. We have been married 5 years and been together 8 years. In this time I have found the following things that bother my husband about me.



1. Leaving my shoes in front of the door when I come home. (High heels can never be good on a barefoot)



2. I have slept with 5 pillows ever since I had was pregnant with Logan. (Doesn't leave much room for Jason)



3. Wearing his shirts for PJ's



4. Not cleaning my car out daily (Logan tends to have toys, sippy cups, art projects from daycare and whatever else you can think a 2 year needs)



5. Working to much



6. Leaving my makeup on the bathroom sink



7. My hair on the bathroom floor (This happens because I fix my hair and don't realize how much I shed)



8. Leaving milk in sippy cups (If you have never experience this please be advised it is bad)



9. When I talk on the phone while he is trying to watch TV



10. I am sure there are many more but I am going to go to bed on this note.

Funny how when you list things out about yourself you think I am not perfect but he still loves me.