My So Called Life

Do you ever wish that deciding how to split the holiday with your husband's family was easier? Every year I dread Christmas day scheduling! I try to fit everyone in and it never happens because there is never enough time for everyone. I feel like we are on the road more then we are home. I hate that Logan doesn't get to play with his toys more then 30 minutes before I force him into a bath. I understand that everyone faces this struggle. Deciding where to go first, how long to stay there and allowing enough time to pack all the presents before leaving for the next stop. For me is it more stressful then I would like for it to be. I have a 2 1/2 year old son and I would like for him to enjoy Christmas. This is my time to start new traditions with my family.


My hope is that I never make my son feel like he has to come over and share his family time with me. It doesn't matter what day we celebrate Christmas on. It is about spending time with the people you love . Whether that would be Christmas eve, Christmas day or the day after Christmas it shouldn't matter. What matters is that he enjoys the holiday!

I find it silly that I have to feel bad for not giving up more time with my family. What kind of person makes someone feel bad for wanting to spend time with their husband and child? What kind of person can't comprise for a different day? For 8 years I have stressed over how much time each side of the family gets. Making sure that one doesn't get more time then the other and that everyone is happy except me.

This year I draw the line and I am taking a stand. I am cutting back time with each side of the family for my family. Jason, Logan and I are going to make time for us. Sure we will still go to other places on Christmas but not before noon. I am determined not to stress about being late or leaving on time. I am going to enjoy the day and live in the moment.


So please forgive me if you think I am selfish but this year is mine!

Tonight I had a conversation with my dad that I never thought I would have 5 years ago. He called to tell me it was his two year anniversary from giving up drinking. I want to cry, hug and thank him all at the same time. My son said PAPA I am proud of you. Now I know that he is only 2 1/2 and he doesn't know how much that meant to me. To hear my son say he was proud of my dad because this was something I wanted from my dad for so long. Just for him to say I am proud of you.



One thing that I learned from my childhood is that my child would never feel not good enough. I would always make sure that they knew I was proud of them no matter what. That they can do anything or be anyone. I want them to think they can accomplish anything in the world as long as they have my support.You see growing up my only memories of my dad are him drinking. Unfortunately most of these include him not coming to softball games, cheerleading games, track meets or FFA competitions. I think back at how much he missed out on. I can't say that I have one good memory of my school years that he was there to share with me. I moved out of my parent's house at 17 and moved in with my brother because lets face it home life wasn't great. I still finished high school and got a college degree without his support. Every time I built myself up he tore me down. I know now this wasn't my dad talking but it doesn't mean that it didn't hurt . That acholism is a disease and it almost took his life.



So today to hear him say he is celebrating his 2 year anniversary is bitter sweet. He is such a good PAPA to my son and I am thankful for this but I am still this little girl that missed out. It has taken me a long time to come around and except things for what they are and let the past be the past. I am a better person for this and a better mother. I live in this moment right now being happy for my dad.

Congrat's dad I am proud of you!

Sometimes I have a problem with putting myself first. I always make sure that everyone else is ok and then worry about me. Well this time it didn't pay off so much. I went to the oral surgeon about my pain in my jaw. I thought it was my wisdom teeth that needed to be taken out. After seeing the surgeon he said that I had an infected saliva gland. I thought to my self WHAT? The dentist suggested that I go see my doctor for a prescription. Of course this time of year everyone knows you don't just get an appointment. I sat at the walk in clinic for 3 hours in pain. The pain was so much I was in tears. My poor husband didn't know what to do. After seeing a doctor that I have never seen before I was sent home with antibiotics and pain meds. One week later I was still in pain and didn't feel like I had gotten any better. So I call the doctor and can't get in. I really am starting to think I have bad luck. I agree to see another doctor in the same practice which I have never seen before. I got to my appointment and the doctor says I need to be on a different antibiotic for 2 weeks. I have now been in pain for 2 1/2 weeks and still have no answers to be sent home with more meds.

I called the Doctor back this week because the pain has spread down my neck. I instantly freak out because I am not sure what is going on. It is a scary thing when you have no control over you body. Fortunately I was able to get an appointment today with the ENT specialist. My appointment was at 2:30 pm or so I thought. I did not get to see the doctor until 4:00 pm. The doctor explains to me that I have a saliva stone in my duct. She proceeded to try and work the stone out of duct. At this point I was in so much pain I am crying in the chair. I was then informed that the stone is to large and it will have to be removed surgically. I freaked at the sound of that word. My mind races instantly to who is going to watch Logan, cook and well the list goes on. Come on it is Thanksgiving week! I have been in pain for 4 weeks and the doctor says you can not wait until Monday. So FRIDAY I will be having surgery on my mouth.

So it is time for me to take care of me not because I want to but because I have to DOCTOR'S ORDERS. Wish my husband luck with a wife in pain recovering from surgery and a 2 1/2 year old that wants his mommy.

I really want to know how to keep up with my life! How does one clean house, do laundry, cook, pay bills, play with their children, shop for food, feed the animals and find time for my family. I have to admit everything gets put by the way side for Jason and Logan. I am OK with this until I can't stand my house anymore and I look around.

So my question to all of you is "How do you do it?" I work more then the normal 40 hours and just can't seem to keep up. I will take any suggestions at this point. Maybe I am being to hard on myself but I just want to be able to keep up with my house and still have time for everything else.

Have you ever felt the walls closing in and there is nothing you can do about it. I find myself thinking 100 miles a minute about the things I need to do, I wanted to do and I have to do. I just feel like there is not enough hours in a day. I know that I have posted about this before but really is life suppose to be this crazy. There are days I have thought about locking myself in my closet and just sitting there all day long. Although that is not an option for me but I have thought about it. Maybe it is the pressure of the holiday's or the extra workload. I just know that I am not superwoman and I want to be. I want to be able to do everything for everyone. Then the walls come crashing down when it doesn't happen. It isn't the fact that I failed but that I was not enough. This is something I need to work on. I know this I really do!



I find myself stressing over the little things in life. Then I have days that I get smacked in the face with reality. I have a great life! I really am blessed and I need to be reminded of that sometimes. I need someone to say Christina you are being to hard on yourself.



So after a hard day at work today. I am snuggled up on the couch with my over sized sweat pants and Jason's shirt on holding my son while he watches cartoons. Life really can't get any better tonight.



Goodnight!

It has been almost a week since I have posted. I was sick Thursday and Friday and was out of town over the weekend.



This weekend I realized I miss my family gatherings. My mom lives 14 hours away, dad 20 minutes away, grandparents 6 hours away, brother and sisters live in town and I still don't get to see family as much as I would like. Most of my family lives so fare away we really don't see them much. With the price of gas and our budget these days. It is just not economical to drive for the weekend and see them.



We went out of town with some close friends this weekend to visit their family. We stayed at a relatives house because hotel rooms are really expensive. They have 3 boy's and we have 1 so it makes for a very busy time. I was unsure about the trip at first. I was thinking a 6 hour drive with a 2 1/2 year was not going to be fun. Staying somewhere I have never stayed before might be interesting. I sometimes find myself looking at the negative instead of the positive. I had a great time! B had homemade chicken and dumplings waiting for us on the stove. The kids stayed up watching movies laughing and having fun. The next morning we had a huge breakfast with the family. It was a perfect family visit. It might not have been my family but it was FUN!



During this trip I did not think about any of the following:



1. Bills due

2. Housework that needs to be done

3. Laundry sitting there for me when I get home

4.WORK

5. Cooking for the weekend

Sometimes taking a risk is not easy but maybe you should try it sometime. Lately I feel like a little risk taking makes life interesting.

As I get older I believe more in the saying THINGS happen for a reason. I believe that sometimes you just have to except and move on. I also believe that good things happen to good people. I believe GOD works miracles but maybe not on my timeline. I have faith in myself, my husband and my marriage. We were blessed with a wonderful little boy almost 2 1/2 years ago and he completes our family.


Eight years ago I probably wouldn't have said the following things listed below!



1. I may not have a 300,000 house but I have a home with love.



2. I may not have 3 children but I have been blessed with one.



3. I might not have the dream job but I have a job that might get me there some day.



4. I am not rich but I am not poor.



5. I might not have a new car but I have one that is paid off.



6. I might not have 10 good friends but I have 3 Best Friends.



7. I did not marry for money but I am RICH in love.



8. I may not be a great cook but it is made with love.



9. I am not Perfect but I am OK with this.



10. I AM JUST ME!



Sometimes people take the little things in life for granite. As I watch people around me think that material things will solve their problems and make them happy. I am thankful for the person I have become in the past 8 years.

I have been trying to fight off something bad. I have been telling myself that the aches are not there, being tired is normal and not wanting to get out of bed is ok. Well I was wrong really WRONG! I got out of bed this morning,well sat up in bed and realized my day was not going to happen. I laid back down and put the pillow over my head. Jason came in and said are you going to get up. He knows this is a bad sign that it was 6:30 AM and I am not out of bed. This is not like me but sometimes your body takes over and says NO! So I texted my clerical at work and went back to bed.

I realized that I was not going to get up and get Logan ready for daycare. He has already been exposed to whatever it was that I am trying to fight off. I decided that I would keep him home with me. (OK I realize most of you are thinking WHY?) Well if I was going to lay around all day I might as well do it with my favorite person. Plus he would make me feel better or at least try!

So we laid in bed until 10:00 AM and watched cartoons. At which point I still didn't feel any better but it was nice to do it. I finally got out of bed about 4:00 pm and realized maybe I have been avoiding the fact that I was really sick all week. Going to work when I didn't well good and bame it hit me. I looked around and saw my house has been neglected because I don't feel good.

Tomorrow I will say goodbye to a very good friend of mine K. She moved here from out of state about a year ago. My office hired here without even meeting her. We did a teleconference with her and we were sold. Her family had bought land in a small town near Rolla. They wanted to move away from the fast paced crazy busy life style.

Little did I know that I would meet a really good friend. We worked in the same office for 8 months until I received my promotion. It is hard to share an office with someone and not get to know them. I helped her find things in the area like grocery stores, shopping, local feed stores, pediatrician and much much more. We would talk about our children, families and probably things she didn't want to know about me.

Long story short she will be staying at home with her 4 month old son. I completely am jealous of her at this point but also so happy for her. I hope we can do lunch every now and then.


I WILL MISS HER GREATLY!

I was going to post last night but instead I decided to try and get through my work email (Which is a task for me these days being short handed at work). I have a goal to get my email organized by the first of the year.

Last night I came home to my wonderful son and husband. Jason was working in his garage as normal. Logan wanted to stay out in the garage with daddy. Which completely breaks my heart that I am not cool enough to hang out with anymore but then I get excited to see Jason and Logan build there relationship. Instead of cleaning, cooking or doing laundry when I got home and had no child inside. I decided to take a bath and relax. As most of you know being a mom does not allow much time for yourself. So when the situation presents itself for 30 minutes alone. I usually will do something for me and let other things go. I know probably not a wise move.

I love to turn the music on, light candles and take a HOT bath. Although I spend most of my time thinking about what bills to pay next, who needs clean laundry, what still needs to be done at work and what's for dinner. I still get to close my eye's and rest for alittle while. Jason knows that every once in awhile dinner might be late but I need that 30 minutes of me time. I find myself thinking about how do I do it sometimes.



Daily Routine

5 AM Wake up

5:15 AM Shower

5:45 AM Kiss Jason goodbye

6:00 AM Start waking Logan up (This is a task in itself)

6:20 AM Potty time for Logan

6:30 AM Get Logan Dressed

6:45 AM Put Makeup on and get ready

7:00 AM Get out the DOOR (I am always late)

7:15 AM Drop Logan off at Daycare (They provide hot breakfast luckily)

7:40 AM Arrive at Work

Work all Day

4:30 pm Leave Work

5:00 PM Pick Logan up

5:30 pm Get home

5:45 pm Cook Dinner

6:30 pm Dinner Time

7:00 pm Family Time

8:00 pm Bath Time

8:30 pm Bed Time for Logan

9:00 pm Bed Time for ME

This is a normal Day for me but add in the grocery shopping, paying bill, cleaning house, visiting family and laundry somewhere. Then I start to think how do I do this day in and day out and one wonders why I have no time for anything else. I really try to devote one day a weekend to whatever Logan wants to do.

I have mixed emotions about working and not staying home with my son. My husband does not have benefits offered where he works but he makes decent money. I am responsible for providing health care for my family. I also think that we could not function on only one income. We work hard to provide the best life possible to our son. There is nothing wrong with sending your child to daycare. I know people have told me different but really I love where Logan goes. They provide a safe, fun and loving environment. Sometimes he is having so much fun he doesn't want to leave. Although I can say not every childcare provided is like mine. I am thankful that Logan will be able to attend the same program until 12 years old. They have a nice, friendly and clean facility. The programs are structure around learning and growing. Logan's teacher treats him like he is her own. So for now this is what works for my family and I am OK with that.

I have been sitting here listening to my husband and son tonight. I am cuddled up on the couch with a warm blanket and my computer. I love to hear Jason read to Logan at night. I love to hear the unconditional love in his voice. I even laugh at them when they think I am not listening. Jason said to Logan tonight I love you son and I heard Logan chuckle. His laugh is priceless and that no one can ever take away from me.

So I know I didn't not write much tonight but I wanted to leave you with a thought. Sometimes just sit back and listen!



NIGHTY NIGHTY

I have learned alot from my childhood by watching my son grow over the last 2 years. I have to admit that somethings from my childhood I should have never experienced as soon as I did. As I still struggle with the fact that my parents got divorced, my father was an avid drinker and my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer when I was a child. I can say I have always wanted more for my child. I think that good parent's always want more for their children then they had. I want Logan to have every opportunity to grow and learn.


During this tour down memory lane I have learned forgiveness but it has not been easy. I think that sometimes children have to grow up entirely to soon. Divorce forces children to realize the world is not always perfect. A father that drank a child's entire childhood missed out of all the memories that he should have exipierenced. A mother that battled cancer would prove to be an amazing miracle. A little girl that was forced to grow up entirely to soon would prove to be a wonderful wife and mother!

Today I am mad at the world! Because I just want to be and there is no other reason why. I know this might sound really weird but I am mad. I have not come to terms with why my nephew that was born almost 2 years ago is in heaven. It is ok for me to still be mad. I realized this along time ago. I am still dealing with the lose and the fact that he was a baby when he was took from our family. I really truly miss him and think about him daily. This month we would have been celebrating his second birthday. I would be going to a birthday party this weekend instead of putting flowers at his grave sight.


I pray to God that he helps me deal with my feeling. I ask him to help me understand but sometimes this might not be possible. I realize that everything happens for a reason. I realize that it was his time to go and there is nothing I could have done to prevent this horrible thing from happening . I look at my sister-in-law and think she is so strong. I can't imagine what waking up everyday must be like for her. She is a strong person and I admire her for this reason.

My nephew that will be turning 5 in December has been a saving grace for me. He was my strength when this terrible thing happened to our family. He told me my baby Shelby is with the angels now. There is no need to cry he loved us both. How does a 3 year old comprehend such a thing? He has been such a good trooper the last 2 years. Making me smile when I really wanted to cry. Helping his mom when she didn't want to get out of bed I am sure. He is such an amazing child. I hope that he remembers Shelby and never forgets that he has a little brother.


So today I will kiss my baby and be thankful for what I have because you never know what could happen. Be sure that you always take time for the ones you love because you never know when it might be the last Hello, Kiss goodnight or just a phone call to say I love you.

About a week ago now I was on facebook and realized that some of my friends have been blogging. I currently read about 4 blogs daily and then I found an entire new world to read everyday. I am not sure how I got started reading blogs, I guess it was about 3 years ago when a friend turned me onto a couple that she reads daily. I am guessing that is what happened. Whoever thought that someone rantings would be interesting to me. Sometimes it is just knowing that someone else is going through the same thing as you. Maybe they are having trouble potty training their son or their daughter started walking that day. It is the thought of not being the only person to feel defeated or sad because your baby is not a baby.



So today I would like to share with you what I heard driving into work this morning. I was listening to a local radio station. The topic was pet peeves that are simple but yet annoying. The guy on the radio stated that his wife uses the last toilet paper on the roll. She proceeds to take the new role and place it on the tub, sink or back of the toilet. I started to laugh because my husband does things like this all the time. Then I started thinking about my husband and what he would say about me. We have been married 5 years and been together 8 years. In this time I have found the following things that bother my husband about me.



1. Leaving my shoes in front of the door when I come home. (High heels can never be good on a barefoot)



2. I have slept with 5 pillows ever since I had was pregnant with Logan. (Doesn't leave much room for Jason)



3. Wearing his shirts for PJ's



4. Not cleaning my car out daily (Logan tends to have toys, sippy cups, art projects from daycare and whatever else you can think a 2 year needs)



5. Working to much



6. Leaving my makeup on the bathroom sink



7. My hair on the bathroom floor (This happens because I fix my hair and don't realize how much I shed)



8. Leaving milk in sippy cups (If you have never experience this please be advised it is bad)



9. When I talk on the phone while he is trying to watch TV



10. I am sure there are many more but I am going to go to bed on this note.

Funny how when you list things out about yourself you think I am not perfect but he still loves me.