Lately I have been struggling with life. With that said I am very thankful for everything that I have and would not want it any other way. Although this doesn't mean that I can't have those days that I just want to say "Life Isn't Fair".
My first pregnancy was great. Everything was normal and I had no worries. I am very thankful for this now that I have
experienced a not so normal one. Yesterday I had my 32 week appointment. I was concerned with the lack of movement of the baby the night before and that morning. When I mentioned this to the doctor she said lets go put you on the
monitor. I sat there in the silent room listening to the baby's heartbeat. I watched the numbers go up and down. Still no movement when the doctor came back. She said lets get you a cold drink of water and see if we can't wake him up. So I drink the water and then he moves a little but nothing like normal for him. Ever since the placenta
previa and failing my
gluclose test I pray for a healthy baby. Although when things like this happen you can't help but worry. I just pray that he is healthy and that I am doing
everything I need to be doing for him.
Another hurdle that I am trying to deal with right now is the question:
Do I want to tie my tubes?
I have many mixed feeling about this subject. I am only 26 and I am not sure I am ready to take that step in my life. When my husband and I discussed children we always said we would have no more then two. Now that the second one is almost here I am not sure that I don't want more. Jason could have
stopped with one child to tell you the truth. He is more then content with having just Logan. I wanted a little girl so bad. I have dreamed of a mother daughter relationship but is that a reason not to tie my tubes. God is blessing me with another child shouldn't that be enough. I know it is selfish for me to want a girl because the next one very well could be another boy. Is this a reason not to tie my tubes. I am just
scared to close that chapter in my life. How do I determine what is fear and what is reality for me. The last time that Jason and I tried to have this discussion about this I ended up in tears. Not because he hurt my feeling just because I felt more
confused then ever. I keep looking for answers and I seem to be more confused then ever. I want to respect my husband but can I really tie my tubes. He has made it clear that he does not want more children. To tell you the truth I am not sure that I will ever be ready to tie my tubes. Something about not having the option scares me or maybe it is just a control thing. Who knows but I do know that at this time I just am not sure. I feel like I am letting my husband down because we have always been open about this subject and I have always been
ok with just having two children. We built a home with 3 bedrooms knowing that we were only going to have two children. Now that the time has came it just
doesn't feel right. Jason and I want to provide for our children. We want them to have things we didn't have growing up. I am hoping that in the next 8 weeks I can come to a decision.
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